jUn!0r

The pinnacle year that defines your life. All of my mentors and head figures in my life have told me a countless number of times how much Junior year defines you as a person. This year supposedly defines who I am: what clubs I join signify what I enjoy to do with my free time, the sports teams I participate in display my athletic ability, and my classes demonstrate my smarts.

Personally, I like to get involved in everything. If I even remotely find interest in something, I make it a bigger part of my life. For example, I joined the Chinese club solely based on the fact that I have many asian friends and thought the club would give me a deeper insight into their culture. I’m not particularly interested in China itself, but I am in the people I know from there. I love to dance, so I joined basketball cheer. I love music, so I play violin. I love to manage people, so I joined class council. I find myself getting so involved and diversified that I don’t know what I’m doing with myself.

In the time that I have tried to discover myself, I find that I am still adrift. As I try to hone in on interests, I find that I like too many things on an equal level. 

On top of my activities, grades consume my life. I’m so focused on getting top grades to land me that acceptance letter to the dream school of my choice.

Now that I think about all of this..why? Why do I do all of this anyway? I understand that I join clubs because I enjoy those activities, but why should I join those clubs instead of pursuing those interests myself? I should play my ipod instead of the violin; work out instead of chant; do sudoku puzzles instead of AP Physics. I could find ways to challenge myself. I could find ways of achieving excellence, just not in the way that I do now as perceived in society. 

In high school, all that people ask you is, “Whats your GPA? What’s your SAT score? Where do you want to go to school?” I don’t understand why people can’t ask me how much I like my classes instead of how well I do in them. I guess I’m not one who can really say that, since I’m so absorbed by society’s conformities, but I can’t lie and say that it has never crossed my mind. I’ve always wondered what life would be like if I threw away my efforts and was able to relax and actually have a decent social life. 

Junior year has been a whirl wind of studying. No more, no less. All I can ever seem to talk about now is SAT and my recent AP Physics test grade. Honestly. And what kind of life is that? Only discussing my grades in passing with people, then shuttled off to my next activity that I find myself wading through only because I’m too overtired to concentrate. 

In the year that I have attempted to try and locate myself, I have only become more and more lost in the maze of life. High school is a jungle: the people because of the social pyramid, but also social darwinism has come into play with things such as class ranks and other scores. I feel like I compete with my friends more than I work with them. Why are we called the junior class as a unit, when truly it is every man for himself?

My junior year has so far been a black hole that I can’t seem to comprehend. Maybe someday I will figure out who I am without the societal timeline constraining me.