Rediscovery.

Valerie Chang
October 17th, 2012

    Lately I find myself a little robotic.

    Every day is a routine. I wake up. I brush my teeth. I eat. I leave for school. The list is endless but nonetheless habitual. Perhaps it is the new stress I am experiencing this school year but I have lost myself in it all. When I used to exercise and sing and simply live I knew who I was. And who was that exactly? I was simple. I believed in God. I believed in music. I believed in laughter. And I still believe in those things, but they aren't shaping my life anymore.
    However, today I broke the routine. When I came home, I didn't dive straight for the refrigerator. I came home, grabbed the computer, and left. In the car, I sang to my current favorite song, Half Mast by Empire of the Sun, and I just sang. No robotic mouth of words, but shamelessly shouting in the car along with the tune and beating my hand on the wheel to the beat.

     It was refreshing.

     And so, I have decided to take a step into rediscovering myself. I have been reminiscing about my old pastimes. I remember my dorky self: the one who played RPGs and fawned over conversations of Pokémon. I remember my superficial self: the one who cried if she didn't get that one sweater or that one necklace. But in 5 years, how will I be describing myself now? That's the question I seek to answer.

     I want to be able to tell someone, "I used to do this!" or that, or anything for that matter. Perhaps I will be telling that person that I was 'good' or 'bad', but I'd rather say I was a bad person than someone who did absolutely nothing worth listening too. Not that I seek to do bad things, but that I seek to do something. Something other than loafing around my house idly or sitting and crying over my homework. But at the same time, I don't want to be that archetypal girl in the movies who has no personality, gets random friends who change her, gets the guy, and lives a happily ever after. I want to be me again. Not "me" in the sense of the "past me", but "me" in the sense that I am unique and identifiable.
     Honestly, I'm sick of hearing myself say, "I want." So, I will do. I will push forth. I will live an adventure that could be as unadventurous as living my days critiquing movies. So long as I become something of myself, I will be content. Or if I'm blessed, I'll be more than that. I'll be happy.

     The oh-so-cliché wish: happiness. But I'm not going to delude myself into thinking I'm some "extraordinary" human being who doesn't want happiness because that's just it--I'm human. And yes, I want happiness. And I'll be selfish and say I don't just want to be happy, but happy with myself. I don't want my self worth to be placed in meaningless things but contentment with who I am.

     So hopefully, I'll find myself to be feeling a little more human.